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The Crypt Keeper
23 September 2013 @ 11:05 pm
Reading my past entries was heartbreaking.

I'm so sad that I ever loathed myself as much as I did. Life wasn't easy but the self-hatred was what made it so much worse.

I'm glad that I'm no longer depressed. I no longer hate who I am. I've learned to embrace my character and love myself in all my strange glory. For the first time in my life I can say that I mean that!

Fitness has helped me not only improve on myself physically, but it has changed my way of thinking. If I could transform my body into something better, what's to stop me from transforming my mind? I began to meditate, do yoga, read, and do little "spa" days at home where I'd give myself facials, nice baths, etc. It was then that I began to appreciate my body and my mind and hence, continued to seek ways to nurture it.

I went from 155 lbs to 128 lbs. Not a huge loss in 3 years but I literally went from sleeping and crying all day to regularly working out throughout the week(I'm trying to build muscle now), kickboxing, some meditating at night, and I feel unstoppable! When I wake up in the morning, I see the sky and the sun out the window and the first thing I do is smile. Smile because I'm comfortable, I'm happy, and I'm alive.

Every day is refreshing and exciting and yes, life still happens, but I know with 100% certainty now that I won't let it make me less of a person. If anything I've used these circumstances to fuel my commitment to be a better person. My god how exilirating it is.

My plans now are to tone the fuck up(I'm so close to sporting abs for the first time EVER!), finish my ASS degree and move over to Washington to pursue my bachelors degree in biochemistry. Things are finally paying off. My hard work is paying off. And this time it's not because it's by luck as I'd constantly hope for before, but because I've made that choice to chase after the things I want.

I'm not afraid of being alone anymore because I've conquered that fear by proving my self worth to myself in my journey to get fit and live a meaningful life. I don't know if this will be my last entry ever but in case that it is, I wanted to leave off on a positive note.

My love goes out to everyone. EVERYONE. Please, don't give up. Things CAN change and you will be just fine. And know that there's a stranger out there(me by the way), who loves you simply for trying.
The Crypt Keeper
07 October 2012 @ 09:04 pm
Well, I'm happy to say that I'm not suicidal anymore. Boy was that a rough one to get out of. But I'm definitely a lot happier with life and myself to know I won't sink into that again.

Since I broke up with Luis a year ago(he cheated), I've managed to get my ass back into college and in shape. Not much else has changed.... well, that's a lie. I moved waaay across town, switched jobs and started trying to make a new round of friends.

It feels so liberating knowing I have only myself to take care of. I can get my hair done, I can buy clothes for myself, I can go out from time to time and treat myself to things and get things I need. The stress isn't anywhere near what it used to be. At one point my skin was all broken out, my hair was falling out, and I was always sick. Nope. No more of that. The only thing I'm stressing over now is my sociology test next Sunday but I'm pretty sure I'm going to nail that motherfucker! :)

Despite my tight budget I'm still able to care for Gizmo on my own. God, that is super relieving! I can still get him good medical care when he needs it and good food, toys, etc. I was hoping I wouldn't have to rely on Luis for any money so it's good to know I still dont. :)

I guess the only thing on my mind right now is the start of the holiday season. I'm not sure I'll have anyone to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's with. Friends already have plans with their families so I don't really have much else to do. I guess I can always order out a pizza and watch movies with Gizmo but I can't deny to myself that the thought of spending the holidays without anyone who loves me is pretty damn painful. School will be out the majority of the time so unfortunately, I can't keep myself busy with that lol.

Who knows though. Things are slowly starting to look up. I shouldn't let the next 2 1/2 months hold me back.

I can only continue to give my life meaning.
The Crypt Keeper
12 December 2011 @ 05:50 pm
Its a funny thing when you're about to kill yourself and people tell you you have so much to live for like your family and friends. But what if you have neither and you're all alone?

What then?

This life is a joke. I really have nothing else and I truly believe me dying would not change a thing. I've already been forgotten by... Everyone.

I doubt my parents would care, I was just a fucked up kid anyways. And no one would miss anything about me. This life is just one big joke after another. No matter what I do to better the situation it has always gone to shit. I've tried EVERYTHING to give my life meaning but alas, Ive failed.

What now? :/
The Crypt Keeper
16 September 2011 @ 07:09 pm
I never realized how truly important it is to have a healthy sexual relationship with someone. I'm so incredibly depressed about it. He says it's stress but we go weeks, even MONTHS sometimes without having sex and it really makes me feel unwanted. I know he loves me and that he cares but I have needs that are not being satisfied and my urges are getting to a point where I'm seriously going insane.

I wish I could just walk out that door and cheat but honestly, I don't want to hurt our relationship anymore than I've hurt it now and at this point, my self esteem has been so severely crushed that I'm even more shy and self conscious about letting anyone do anything. I've even started drinking just to numb away the self hatred it has caused.

I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. I see someone who is fat and disgusting. Ugly and a total fucking whore. I want to rip my hair out, tear at my skin, and just wither away. Nothing he says can make me feel better because at the end of the day, my urges are still there and they have not been met for a very long time.

He knows this too but I don't know what's going through his head. He seriously believes it's because of money and although, a part of my self esteem issues have a lot to do with nothing having money to get my hair done (it's a piece of shit), clear up my skin, join the gym so I'm not so fucking disgusting, and buy new clothes, I'd have to say that 80% of it is him not giving me any physical attention...

It's the most painful thing to come home and see him sitting there in front of the TV, caring more about playing his fucking games and watching his stupid shows than to give me that satisfaction I'm so badly craving for just 5 - 10 minutes.

Everyday that I've come home, I've just sat here and cried about it because I can't win. He still won't do it and I don't have the courage or confidence to go out and cheat. Even now I'm just sitting here in the dark with tears pouring down my face and a bottle of raspberry tea with half a bottle of spiced rum in it just hoping I can get through this one day. Yet I'm going to wake up tomorrow and face the same thing and it's back to being angry, irritated, frustrated, hateful, spiteful, and overall just another shitty day where I'm step closer to just ending it all.

The pain will never end. It will follow me wherever I go. Nothing I can do will make it stop. I can be a good person and I can be a bad person but that pain will always linger.

There's just no end...
The Crypt Keeper
11 March 2011 @ 10:58 pm
I never really use this journal for writing/updating anymore. I'm mainly on LJ now for the communities haha.
The Crypt Keeper
04 August 2008 @ 06:49 pm

Man, I used to loooove this show so much as a kid! And the music to the games always kicks so much ass! *tear tear* Amazing.
The Crypt Keeper
28 April 2008 @ 10:57 am

So it's come to my attention that I really need a feedback section for this journal.
Damn all you DIYers offering your awesome creations to take my money!
But alas, I've caved in to buying cheap DIY stuff from LJers and so in order to make sure they feel safe about selling me stuff, I'll keep this feedback section from past transactions.

Negative: (0)
Neutral: (0)
Positive: (2)

Please list "Negative" or "Positive" on the subject of your comment and then comment away about whether I screwed you over or made your rich (lawlz no more coffee in the morning).

I don't have much feedback on LJ so I'll post my eBay and etsy feedback links. Note that I'm posting 2 eBay accounts that belong to both my bfs & myself but I'm the one that does all the financial shizbit around here so it's mostly me on both accounts. :)

My Etsy Feedback
venom1334 eBay feedback
2nd eBay account

Thanks again! :)
The Crypt Keeper
09 April 2008 @ 04:24 pm
The Crypt Keeper
08 April 2008 @ 04:25 pm
My LJ is gonna be looking whacky for a while since I didn't know LJ made a few changes with the default S1 html so I'm having a bit of problems. :x